LOSING people THAT don’t INSPIRE you, ALLOWS you to MOVE on, a TREE sheds it’s LEAVES, to CONSERVE water, and GROW.
It’s been another weekend of chaos and crisis from former clients considering a divorce to current clients questioning their decision to marry.
My twin sister is often a sounding board of sorts for inspiration. Today’s blog title is one of her infamous quotes about moving on. My personal favorite quote is “dead branches kill living trees.” Cindy often looks at nature for her inspiration from the passenger side of my moving suv. Driving here, there and everywhere, I’m always the driver unless of course we need 2 suvs for staff and inventory.
Things to remember during trying times are that 1. This too shall pass. 2. Patience is a virtue. 3. You don’t have to agree on everything in life with your spouse. 4. You are entitled to your opinion and your independence. 5. Your spouse or significant other won’t always support your friendships and that’s okay. They probably have friends you don’t like too.
Driving through Tulsa on a roller coaster highway, I see lots for sale and take a photo to send my husband. Real estate is his speciality and I’m always on the hunt for lots as I travel from one event to the next. “Too rough. Too many trees and rocks. Uneven lots that would incur drainage issues.” His text responses always baffle me. “Too rough?” My husband sees things I don’t though. I see a field he sees a development.
My thoughts in the midst of a pandemic are “real estate is risky.” My husbands thoughts are “now is the time to buy. You can’t have too many lots. We are running out of houses. Interest rates are low. Folks are our buying.”
Today my husband is out and about looking at developments and checking on lots. Are the sprinklers working? Did the contractors do this or that? Matthew drives nearly as much as I do checking up on homebuilding sites in several cities. Seven days a week Matthew is here, there and everywhere too. We don’t have the normal routine and structure most married couples do because we both travel. Perhaps we get along better because we aren’t always together? It’s a thought.
Cindy and Steve are “together” roughly two days out of seven. My brother in law is a long haul over the road truck driver. His partner, Roy is almost always getting on Steve’s nerves. “Roy drinks too much Dr Pepper. Roy doesn’t eat healthy and never drinks water. We are in Canada and Roy is still in the bathroom. Roy is arguing with his wife again. Roy is listening to talk radio again.” Steve and Roy sound like an old married couple. Seriously. Steve doesn’t know that Wendy and Cindy know our next “check in” call will involve an update about what Roy’s doing but we do.
Relationships are like bacon. Sometimes they are undercooked sometimes they are overcooked and sometimes they are burned out. Stress can and does cause burn out.
Prior to Covid-19, the number of former clients contacting me regarding a divorce over a TEN YEAR WINDOW were less than 10 people. During this pandemic, I’ve been contacted by former clients considering a divorce 31 times. On the flip side of the coin I have 8 people reconsidering marriage. It’s a melting pot of chaos and it hasn’t been getting better for many people wondering “can this relationship last OR endure?”
Here’s a tip for anyone having second thoughts… step back. Evaluate. Just how different are your goals from your future or current partners? Think about it. Can you live with them? Can you thrive with them? Can you grow with them?
There are (generally) two primary reasons for divorce. Infidelity and finances. These two dealbreakers lead the way in divorce court.
What is your current or soon to be partners financial situation? It’s a valid question. Don’t be embarrassed to ask it either. Why? Because marriage is the only way to catch “sexually transmitted debt.” If they’ve got a load of debt going into the marriage you will be sharing that load. Wake up and ask more questions. Don’t let the glamour of marriage shade your eyes from the reality of marriage.
Going into my marriage years ago, my husband had over $300k in a development, the Estates Of Lakeside. I didn’t know anything really about real estate investing BUT I would quickly learn. We lost tens of thousands in that development and I learned more than I wanted to know about my husbands career as a developer and home builder. He knew nothing about my career or the amount of time I invested in it but he’s learned too. Both of our phones ring 7 days a week. When you are in business it’s your business to answer every call, every question regardless of how mundane it may be. Often, you answer the same questions to people multiple times a day. I do.
Now, understanding that the possibility of your partner losing their job or making a bad investment can effect both of you, I’m going to suggest learning more about your partner. Do they have tax debt? Child support arrears? Unpaid credit cards you don’t know about? Are they in the habit of living beyond their means? Are you expected to pull up the slack? How much are you willing to give to make your relationship work? How committed are you?
Within the past four months I’ve lost many friends on social media. Why? Because I’m a no nonsense transparent person who doesn’t attempt to fit in that’s why. If people are so determined to have everyone conform to their beliefs that they demand it, I’m better off without them in my life or on my timeline. Dead branches kill living trees.
I don’t discuss politics with anyone other than my spouse. Why? Because 1. It’s no ones business where my political affiliations lie and 2. You lose half your audience anytime you decide to step out and effectively it wasn’t anyone’s business to begin with. Are these people intimate enough with you and your life to discuss what you think, believe or feel? No. They are social media connections not family or client’s. They are flies in your soup. Chili stirrers. “If you don’t do this, think this or believe this you aren’t my friend.” Under those terms it’s incredible to believe that anyone assumes they are that important to you and much less that influential to you. Cut them lose. You will thank me later.
Don’t let social media interfere with your relationship with a partner. His circle thinks this. Your circle thinks that. Accept that no one is immune from pressure in the current political climate and move on. Opinions aren’t paying your bills, keeping you warm at night or holding your hand when you are ill. Your partner is. Know what’s important. Don’t let your vision become clouded by others. Stand firm. Set boundaries.
“Miss Wendy I thought I was making the right decision but now I’m not so sure.” Honey, we all have doubts in life. We all take chances. But choosing what you can’t live with and what you can is something no one can decide for you even me. Don’t make permanent decisions on a temporary issue. Write your feelings and thoughts down. Call me. Text me. I’m here for all of you past, present and future.
This too shall pass and when it does your relationship will be stronger for surviving the tough times…